There falls a blanket on this suffering night.
Though pinned, I can move my eyes to the window.
Is this you, My Love, a strange snow upon my coastal city?
The weight shifts as he struggles, accidentally freeing my arm.
"Here I am, My Love," presses my hand against the near window.
You leave me brief kisses on the pane. You leave me.
The earth is wet and new beneath me, still Eden as far as the clovers know.
There looms above me a panting sky.
My mouth sucks. My throat swallows. When it is over I curl into the clovers.
Is this you, My Love, four-leafed and rare, so near me?
"Eat. Eat. These are our bodies to be given up for you," rustle the clovers.
I eat handfuls of the bitter cleansing green. I eat the bodies of clovers until I am full.
But not you, My Love. I leave you.
CJ
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23 comments:
I wish I could say I understood this one, CJ, I usually do, I usually read between your lines...and I THINK I grasp it, but then it comes loose, like sand between the fingers.
It still moves me, your words always do.
Thinking of you.
Wishing you and your CM love and magic under your own blankets...save the clovers for the rabbits...:)
Love,
C.
I will never understand, but always admire, how your mind goes to the most beautiful places to escape the ugliest acts of violation delivered to a young and fragile you.
You are a rare and beautiful creature to be sure.
Claudia,
Maybe it comes loose because it IS loose.
It's basically just the place my imagination goes during times of great suffering.
The first half is about a night, like any other night, when my grandfather hurt me. Except it snowed, in late spring, in a deep southern coastal city where it never snows.
That night, I interpreted the snow as "My Love" come to save me.
The next half is about another day, like any other day, except we were outside. This would have been a huge chance for my grandfather to take, but we were there, laying among the clovers. I saw a 4-leafed clover.
I interpreted it as another incarnation of "My Love."
And my love was only brief magic, never enough to save me.
That's all this is about.
It's silly.
CJ
Red Mojo,
Thank you. They were beautiful places weren't they?
CJ
CJ,
NO! Never, ever silly.
I DID interpret right then.
I just wanted to be sure.
Thank you.
And you are amazing.
But you already know that.
PS - I have writer's block. It's killing me.
Claudia,
I'm glad it makes sense to you. And I'm always so happy that you ask when you aren't sure. That means so much to me.
Writer's block? You? Want an assignment? ;)
CJ
I, too, marveled as I read this at your rare ability to transport your mind to something hopeful and beautiful so that no matter what he did to you, he never truly possessed you.
You are so incandescently beautiful.
Heart,
You say such wonderful things to me.
I can transport my mind. I guess I wish I could learn to stay.
Your Friend,
CJ
CJ,
LOL! I don't need an assignment, because even the things you suggested this morning just kinda sat there inside my tummy and did nothing. I'm not feeling much, and I guess that's the issue. I'm really kinda numb right now. Writer's rest is nicer than block...and I love the way it sounds, but I AM blocked, by what, I have NO idea. Ah well, time will certainly tell.
As for asking, I'm glad you don't mind me asking if I am not sure. I'd rather my comment make sense, heh, than have me look like someone who doesn't give a shit about what you write, because I do. You're talent to etch out a moment of your life is breathtaking and you often leave me in awe, and even if I don't get it right away, I can glimpse a shadow of it.
Hope you're enjoying your vacation. I can't wait for N.H. let me tell you. Maybe something/one there will inspire me or get the creative juices flowing. One can only dream.
* Swah *
Me.
Your shining prism words light up a dark memory. My heart breaks for you and yet you see and create such beauty, even in the midst of these memories. I heart you.
Faerie Mom,
I really like it when you come here. Do you know?
I like the way you think of this "lighting up a dark memory."
CJ
Claudia,
I LOVE that you ask. I wish everyone would ask if they don't understand.
I started this blog to say things and connect with people, but here as in life, I think I often miss the mark.
You help me make the mark.
CJ
Even through a fractured mind you find a way to express something painful and make it beautiful. Do you feel the therapy you give to others? Or is it just a by-product of your thoughts.
Fairy said it perfectly..."Shining a light on dark memories" is a wonderful way of thinking of this post. Blessings to you CJ. I hope your postings bring some healing for you.
Ia Jen,
I never thought of anything I say as giving therapy to others...but that is a beautiful thought.
You know when you're driving and you pass a horrible car wreck? All twisted metal and suspicious shadows that you think might be blood? You feel bad for looking, but you can't stop from craning your neck? That's what I think of the things I write.
But I like your thoughts better.
Thanks for coming and commenting, Jen.
Sincerely,
CJ
Oh yes, your words are definitely theraputic. Drive by or otherwise.
You are able to give a voice to your painful memories that others leave hidden in the dark recesses of their minds. Whether this is out of fear, lack of courage or lack of words to express.
I commend the courage and skill you have with expressing your thoughts. Its what keeps me checking in on you. :)
Ia Jen,
I like the thought of you checking in on me.
It's a good pure thing.
CJ
Wondering how you are.... I was thinking of you today. Hope all is well.
Tracy
Hey Tracy,
Thank you. I'm in a rough spot, but don't worry, I'll live.
Your Friend,
CJ
I hope the rough spot smooths out soon. Will be thinking of you.
:) Hang in there.
Ia Jen,
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
CJ
Sometimes I come over here and just reread the beautiful words that you left here. It sometimes makes me restless and sometimes inspires me. I hope your rough spot smooths out and you feel the need to write here soon. Until then..... I am popping in to say hi anyway!
Faerie Mom,
Why restless?
See new words above.
*smile*
CJ
CJ,
Restless in that I feel the need to DO SOMETHING. A need to react..... and act.
Tracy
Tracy,
Hmmm... I wonder why that is?
CJ
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